Living in Fear!

"There is nothing to fear but fear its self."  Hmmm!  Really!?  I can think of a mess of things that would cause me to be justifiably afraid.  How about driving down some of the streets of San Fransisco with no brakes as one possibility?  As much as I love animals, facing down a hungry tiger or a cranky elephant would probably get my heart and mind racing.  Or maybe being out on open water when a storm is lashing your boat.  At one time or another, we have all been put into a position, even small things, that caused us to be fearful.

Living in a perpetual state of fear is another story all together.  From a very early age, I lived in a state of dread.  I knew I was different.  I knew that being a boy was not what I wanted to be.  And I  knew that the times I was growing up in were not extremely tolerant of people that mainstream society judges as being different.  I feared what people would say.  I feared even more what they might do.  Nearly my entire junior high and high school years I was the target for various reasons for several bullies.  I always feared what they would do to me if they knew the deeper truth about me.  Even though things are a bit different now in the 21st century, fear still is a present, though small, part of my life.

It really wasn't until a few years ago when I was able to over come my fear and start living a life true to myself.  As I went through the steps to change my name and gender status, I discovered that for the most part, my fear was unfounded. Thou, there were those in my life that did confirm my fears, those relationship unfortunately ended and I have been able to put those individuals behind me for the most part. On the plus side of the equation, many of the people I feared would reject me, to my surprise, turned out to be some of my biggest supporters and now are a part of a group of friends I truly am thankful for.  One of these childhood friends told me that it wasn't so much as I came out to the world, but I finally put fear aside and let the world in.  It is this group of remarkable people that has given me the ability to feel free to be the person God designed me to be.  Releasing that fear has given me the opportunity to help educate people who transgender individuals really are. 

The question still remains, why do I still live in fear.  After someone has lived life being afraid, it's a pattern of thinking that is not easy to break.  It is a slow, sometimes painful process that is only conquered when you give that fear over to God.  Fear can be a storm the circles around us.  Even when the disciples had Jesus right in their presence, they still feared the raging storm.  As I grow closer and closer to God, that fear I have lived with slow fades more and more.  We have to give that fear over to Christ and he will take away the fear and calm the storm.

 

Faith Through the Flat. Part 2: God's time

Okay.  So if you read the last entry, we already know that my family had a flat tire coming home from our vacation.   Let me tell you I was not looking forward to the remaining portion of the trip home.  We still had over 120 miles to go and my van has had no air conditioning since i bought it.  The air temperature that day was well into the 90's with high humidity and bright sun.  Now with the spare tire on the van we could not travel over 50 miles per hour.  With all this, it's was not exactly shaping up to be a pleasant drive. 

Once we were back on the road, I was overcome with emotion and the tears started to flow.  I was struck by how close we really came to this whole event being disastrous.  I realized that God was really watching out for us.  Normally in these types of situations, I get a little anxious and fearful.  Not this time.  God had already protected us and I felt his hand carrying us now.  The peace that came with that was comforting.

I was struck by the timing of everything.  God had planned for us to stop were we did.  God planned for the two gentlemen that helped us to stop when they did.  Now God was going to teach me and my children that as long as we wait on him, he will get us home.

I will be the first to admit I don't always travel at the posted speed limit.  But as we continued on home, I had no choice but to set the cruise control on 50 mph and sit back and enjoy the view.  Cars whizzed by.  One annoyed trucker let his horn blast to express his distaste, but we just plugged along.  It was uncomfortable, hot and sweaty.  We made few stops to cool off and give the spare tire a bit of a rest too.  Both of my kids commented on how well things were going and I reminded them that the only thing we can do was give everything over to God and he would get us home.  It wasn't my driving skills. It wasn't the spare tire.  It was God.  

I Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, so that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  Casting my anxiety, my worries, my thoughts, my cares, my plans on Christ because we are in his hands. We do so by setting our pride away, giving ourselves fully to him, by doing want is required by God.  And when we do all this, when God's time is right, we will be lifted up.

Faith through the flat. Part 1 - Prayer

 How many of you have stopped to pray before traveling?  If you haven't, Stop and ask yourself why not.

Ever since my daughter , who is now 16, was 3 years old or so, our family has stopped to pray before embarking on our travels.  We would pray for fun, for safety, and if God so chooses, to use us as his instruments to help others.  On one of our recent trips home from visiting my parents, God showed us just how much he does look out for us by providing a true miracle.

After making an unscheduled stop, I noticed that one of the tires on my mini van was nearly flat.  I took a closer look and noticed that it had a great deal of the rubber had worn away and steel was exposed.  I am fully convinced that if we had not stopped and continued at the speed we had been traveling, the tire would have blown out and possibly caused the vehicle to loose control. 

I was able to move the van to a level area in the parking look of a gas station and was able to jack the van up.  As I was try unsuccessfully to get the spare off the van, a very nice gentleman came up and ask if I needed any help.  I explained the situation and he offered the services of his friend that was traveling with him - who just happen to be a mechanic.  In no time he had inspected the spare tire, paid to have it properly inflated and then he put in place.  And as a side note, this was all in 90+ degree heat.  Before long we had the car down on all fours and we were able to get on our way.

As we pulled back on to the interstate, I could not not help but to cry.  God's timing was perfect.  I could ask a dozen 'what if' questions about the whole event, but the only question I ask now is "what if God wasn't watching over us and protecting us?"  I thank God for the miracle that he provided for me and my kids.  I am thankful for the example he has shown the kids (and me) that he is truly watching us and protecting us.  I am thankful for the answer to prayer.  In the book of John, there are several times when Christ tells us to ask anything in his name and it will be done according to God's will.

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14




Coming soon - Part 2 - In God's Time

God's Big Puzzle

It's a great blessing to see God's will at work. Being able to hear that several people were blessed by hearing how one person was carried by God through the darkness and how God has lifted that person out of a depth that was so deep that no humanly struggle would bring you out.

Christians love to quote Romans 8:28 "All things work together for good." and they stop there.  Many seem to think that if we pray, seek God - everything will work out how we want.  So many forget the last half and most important part of that verse, "for those who love God and are called according to HIS purpose."  His purpose, not ours.  Our purpose would be no pain, no suffering, nothing ever going wrong, but God allows us to go through events in our lives that my seem terrible and serve no purpose but to cause some sort of suffering.  We may never know what God's purpose is in our struggle.

God can use every part of our lives, even the most painful, trying times.  A friend I went to high school with recently won her battle with breast cancer.  During her struggle and through out her chemo treatment, God showed us the strength he provides to the weak.  Now God is using her to comfort other women as they go through this horrible time in their lives.  She has sat in the doctors waiting room, crying with them.  Her experience now serves a great purpose, God's.

Years ago I worked for a private ambulance company in Chicago.  Most of what we did was transport non ambulatory patients to and from their doctors appointments, dialysis, and home from the hospital.  We also did many psychiatric patient transports.  One of these runs has always stuck with me.  When we arrived at the ER, we were told we had a young woman that was severely depressed to the point of wanting to commit suicide.  She was in an isolation room with her wrists and ankles in restraints for her own protection.  We were there to transport her to a state run psychiatric hospital on the Northwest side of the city.  As my partner and I often rotated responsibility for patient care on our runs, it was my turn to sit in back and monitor the patient during this call.  The transport was going to take about forty five minutes due to traffic.  I remember as we loaded her into the ambulance, the fear in her eyes.

As we talked, I found out why she was so fearful and was able calm her fears and let her know I understood how she felt.  I have battle depression for years and often suicide was on my mind.  God used those events in my life to help relate to this young woman and let her know that at least one person understood and showed compassion.  By the time we arrived at the hospital, she was no longer wanting to hurt herself. We were able to have her walk into the facility.  That I considered a small miracle.

Sometimes God uses events to teach us.  Sometimes God uses events and struggles and trials we have gone through to teach others even though we may not know it at the time.  Think of it this way - Everything we go through is a piece in this giant, perfect puzzle that God has designed and only he knows what the big picture looks like.

Looking back, Looking forward

I have had the opportunity in the last three weeks to really reflect on the events that shaped how I see God and how I see my walk with Him.  I set a milestone on that path on Sunday May 20th by being baptized.  It was an extremely moving time for me and I get a bit choked up thinking back about how I, for the first time, really stood before a group of people and professed what I believe.  The few weeks running up to that day, I spent hours working on my testimony and what God really wanted me to say.  I only finished working on it just hours before the Sunday service seeing that I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist when I write.
    I looked back at my time in high school, that I seemed so on fire for Christ. 
    The time a friend called me from college because she wanted me to be the first to know that she accepted Christ as her personal savior, that I had had a huge impact on her during high school.
    I reflect on the times in early adulthood I spent so depressed that ending my life seemed to be the only answer.
    Memories of the deaths of two friends.
    YEARS of asking God why I was born the way I was.
     I turned to the thoughts of when I turned away from God.  I turned to an unbelieving faith.

I remembered the moment that it all turned around for me.

I struggled for a long time about why God had allowed me to be transgendered, how my years were filled with doubt, fear, and loneliness.  It wasn't until God put a woman in my life that told me to stop asking God 'why' and start asking God 'how'.  How can God be glorified through everything I have been through? She reminded me that God knows the path he has chosen for me.  It is up to me to follow him on that path.  He is a light unto our feet.  All we need to do is to follow that light.  I may choose my steps I take each day, but it is God who has set out a detailed road.

In recent months I felt God's prodding to go further with my faith than I have ever before. He is calling me to be bold  in what I believe,  be strong with my trust in Christ, to show love like I have never done before.  Ever since I made the decision to be baptized, I have had a boldness I have rarely known.  I never want this feeling to subside.  I want to continue to grow and follow even closer.  I want to be a woman after Gods' own heart.

 Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.

Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long.

Psalms 25:4-5

Keep Calm and Carry On

Keep Calm and Carry On!  This was one of the mottoes of Great Brittan's propaganda posters in the late 1930's during World War II, though this particular poster was never seen by the public until over 50 years later.  Owners of a used book store in the northern part of England discovered it in a box of dusty books they bought at auction.  After Framing it and hanging it in the shop, it has drawn world wide notability.  Reproduced thousands if not millions of times on posters, greeting cards, coffee mugs and key chains.  

My question to you is why, over a half century later, is this simple two tone orange poster so popular? Is it the color? Is it the five words?  

Our lives have gotten so complex and so busy that when event happen in our lives that disrupt our natural flow, we tend to become entirely too stressed.  When these posters were originally made, Great Brittan was under daily threat of invasion.  Bombs all over England were destroy their way of life.  But England wanted to bolster the resilience of its people.  Many people were spending night after night in the tunnels of the London Underground, trying to stay safe from the bombs over head.

Today, not everyone has exploding bombs going off in their back yards, but sometimes events in our lives do explode and destroy what we have come to know as 'normal'.  Recent natural disasters here in the U.S. have proven this to a tee.  When tornadoes ripped through Joplin, Tuscaloosa, and other cities across the south, lives were lost, homes and businesses destroyed.  Some people ask themselves what they would do if that ever happened to them.  We really can't answer that until we experience it first hand.  

It reminds me a bit of when the Israelites had escaped Egypt and had just made it to the far side of the Red Sea.  The Egyptian Army, lead by the Pharaoh himself, was now chasing them through the dry land in the Red Sea they themselves had just crossed.  God told Moses to "Be still and know that I am God."  That God himself would destroy the army.  

How similar is this statement from God to the poster from WWII.  When life seems to be coming at us from all sides, when we feel like the bombs are raining down on us, when like life will never get back to normal, all we have to do is put our trust in the One that can move mountains, the one who calms the raging sea, the one that loves you so much, he is ready to gather you up as a hen gathers her chicks.  All we have to do is let him.  There are times we God calls us to action, but often all we need  is to be still and Know He is God. 

Prayer Life?

I have been thinking a lot about my priorities.  I have been asking a lot of questions about my prayer life.  What is a prayer life?  My Bible defines prayer as 'talking to God'. Is it really that simple?  We just talk to God?  So a prayer life is just talking to God all of the time.  Sounds pretty simple to me.  Then I ask why don't we do it? 

With the advent of social media, many of us talk to our friends constantly via Facebook, Twitter, texting, Skype, and the old fashion phone call.  In the Old Testiment, Abraham was called God's friend.  So if we are sons and daughters of Abraham, it makes sense that God is our friend.  So why don't we talk to our friend?

At some time in each of our lives, we have had at least one boss.  A boss and employee must communicate to each other so that the necessary work is completed. 2 Timothy 3:17 says ". . so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."  God is our boss and we are his employees or servants.  So, why don't we talk to our boss?

I love having Skype.  Wow! What a great tool.  I can now talk to my mom and dad a lot more often without running up the minutes on my phone.  There are weeks I talk to them nearly everyday and usually about nothing at all. I just want to talk.  If  God is our Heavenly father, Why don't we talk to him?

One of the most important relationships many of us have or have had, is our relationship with our wife or husband.  I have several friends that are in a marriage where the husband and wife talk about EVERYTHING.  I  mean everything, from their fears to their quirks.  Every facet of their lives is an open book to their spouse.  Christ called himself the Bridegroom and we are his bride.  We long for the day we are united with him, but does that mean we don't communicate with him?

I have been awed by the number of my friends that have had to seek medical advise and intervention for a variety of ailments in the recent months.  We go to the doctor for medicine, for healing.  Through out the Bible, there are countless accounts of God healing the sick and lame.  If God is the Great Physician,  why are we not talking to our doctor?

Everyday through work, school and even shopping, we encounter people from a variety of different facets of life.  Many of these are struggling in areas that we can not begin to fathom.  In Matthew 25:40 Jesus tells us, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’  If we just took the time to talk to the people God brings in our lives, we are talking to God.

All of these people; Friends, bosses, family, spouses, ets. take up our day.  We talk to people all day long.  Are you talking to God all day long?

So, how's your prayer life?